your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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