he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
