I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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