my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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