He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize