So drunk its hurt
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
