just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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