Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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