I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
