Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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