wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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