hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dear god my vagina.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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