So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
