I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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