Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
