he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
