hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dignity is for republicans.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
