So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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