how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
