end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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