the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
