I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
