The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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