just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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