Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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