.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
