I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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