pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm too high and old for this...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
