while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
