Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
