We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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