i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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