: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
