he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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