advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
