oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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