my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize