I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
sarcasm needs its own font
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
