you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
