So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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