Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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