Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
