I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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