Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
