First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
