So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Every concussion has its silver lining
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
