OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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