Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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