I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
