I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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