Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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