She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
