I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
