This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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