Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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