when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
