If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
