I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
