in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
