hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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