Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
